Various Tabloid Stories in 1999

++ An FBI report on the worst bank robbers includes
the nervous villain who shouted: "Hand over the brains,
or I'll blow your money out." He ran off empty-handed
with the clerks in fits of laughter.

++ A police motorcyclist ignored road cones and warning
signs as he overtook a bus in The Strand, riding straight
into a pile of wet cement. The front wheel was almost
entirely buried as passers-bys pissed themselves. The
copper and workmen then spent an hour digging it up. One
pedestrian added: "When it finally emerged there was a
big roar of applause, which didn't make him any happier."
The moment was captured on camera to add to his
ignominy. A fine lesson to any policeman who thinks
he owns the road.

++ Men in Tokyo are paying female fortune-tellers
up to 120 pounds to have their penises "read",
rather than sticking to the more traditional
palm-of-the-hand job.

++ Underpants being sold at the Lid Dem party
conference brandish the slogan: "I'm all for
early entry." A fine political philosophy.

++ Two pensioners were injured in New Zealand
when a fight broke out in a old people's home
which specialises in treating Alzheimer's disease
-  but nobody could remember how it started or
who phoned the police. One man was left with
a broken arm and another with a broken nose,
along with a whole bunch of broken furniture.
But the police discovered the two men could
not even recognise each other and said: "We've
had to forget about it." Sounds contagious.

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