"Airline Humor"

Occasionally, airline attendants make
an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" a bit more entertaining.  Here
are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make
sure your tray tables and seat backs are
fully upright in their most uncomfortable
position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for
floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take
them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this
flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will
escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.
Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the
plane immediately."

"Good morning.  As we leave Dallas,
it's warm, the sun is shining, and the
birds are singing.  We are going to
Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and
raining.  Why in the world y'all wanna
go there I really don't know."

Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our
cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel
free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we
land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the
flight pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for
flying Delta Business Express.  We
hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for
another airliner to cross in front of us,
some of the passengers were
beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins.  The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers
not remaining in their seats until the
aircraft comes to a full and complete
stop at the gate will be strip-searched
as they leave the aircraft."

Here are a few heard from Northwest:
"Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area.  Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like
children."

"As you exit the plane, please make
sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed
evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome
message:  "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in
the industry...  Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight."

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