Words to live by

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and
it holds the universe together.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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