'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After
 dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan"
 the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for
 failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to
 look into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."'
 
          From The Guardian:
 "After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30
 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to
 "Yorkshire Bank Plc are F*ascist B*astards". The Bank has now asked
 him to close his account, and Mr B*astards has asked them to repay the
 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name."
 
          Phreakers, or 'phone hackers, managed to break into the
 telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the
 outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat bastard'
 
          From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
 "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back
 of the Church, labelled For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
 
          From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen
 in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake
 from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as
 evidence in a poisoning case.'
 
          From The Times:
 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of
 inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard
 spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these
 days."'
 
          From The Scottish Big Issue:
 'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a
 "My Name is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap
 of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a
 lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon
 Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and
 Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith,
 Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire
 convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up
 by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
 
          From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays
 200,000 Pounds to Save P*rostitutes":    "... the money will not be
 going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to
 encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for
 new positions in hotels."
 
          From The Derby Abbey Community News:
 We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we
 stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.
 This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a
 Detective in the Police Farce."
 
          From The Manchester Evening News:
 "Police called to arrest a n*aked man on the platform at
 Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid
 rail ticket."
 
          An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced
 sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand
 people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda
 the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd
 applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had
 happened.
 
          An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia
 passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven
 people were taken to hospital for treatment.
 
          Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto
 Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his
 eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off
 his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.
 
          After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51
 year old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself
 rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove
 several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by
 police.
 
          An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended
 prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old
 woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was
 attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by sparks.

Index