Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Kevin are sitting in a pub.

 "I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records  office
 and get meself entered in de book". Said Mick.

 "What de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun  nuttin' to get
 in de book for" says Sean.

 "Well, It's me hands, Sean", Mick says waving them around,  "I tink dey
 are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get  meself entered into de book
 and I'll be world famous".

 The other two agree that they are quite small and they all  carry on
 drinking quite heartily.

 A  little while later Kevin pipes up," Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de
 Guiness Book of records for yer small hands, so can  I".

 The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, "How can ye have de
 smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool"?

 Kevin  replies,"It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet", and he takes off
 his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest  feet in de world
 and I'm gonna get meself entered into de  Guiness Book of Records
 too".

 The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go
 back to their  drinking.

 Some time later Sean chimes in, "Well,  if youse two can get into de
 Guiness Book of Records, I can  too".

 The others fall about laughing. "What  de feck have you got dats so
 feckin' interesting?" cries  Mick.

 "It's me dick, an" he says and pulls down his breeches to show them.  They
 both howl with laughter as  Sean pulls out his little willy.

 "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean", says Kevin "Dat's the
 smallest  feckin' dick I ever saw" and with that they all go back to their
 drinking.

 Later on, full to the gills, they are  heading home when out of the corner
 of his eye. Mick spots the  Guinness Book of Records office further down
 the street.  "Jaysus", he says "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna
 get me hands measured" and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out
 with a big smile on his face waving his  hands in the air. "I did it. I
 did it", he says "I'm  in de Guiness Book of Records for de smallest hands
 in the world.  Nobodies got smaller hands dan me", he says and with that
 he pushes Kevin forward. "Go on ye eejit. See if ye have de  smallest feet
 in de world. Go on".

 "Feck it.  I will" says Kevin and off he staggers. Ten minutes later, he
 to comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air.
 "Jaysus, I'm famous", he says. "I've got de smallest feet in  de world.
 "I'm famous. I'm famous".

 With that Sean staggers to the office door. I'm gonna get me dick
 measured" he says, " I won't be long". The other two are  waiting
 anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by. Ten  minutes turns into
 twenty and twenty into thirty. No sign of  Sean. Forty minutes go by and
 the office door opens. Sean  slouches out looking disconsolate, "Who de
 feckin' hell is Simon Hurst* from Romford?

* = insert name of friend you don't like here!

Index