* * * * * * A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a £50 note on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me £20 change!" * * * * * * In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by 'Year-M' to be followed by actual 1998. "Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name again, people were starting to get confused." Instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. "That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998." Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. "The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to Bill Gates." A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of 'Year- M.' Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases. In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into 'deity conglomerates.' Says Gates: "They broke up AT&T, why can't we break up God?" Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: HE doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping. "If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time." * * * * * * Glossary of Computer Messages: Press Any Key = Press any key you like but I'm not moving. Press A Key = This one's a programmers joke: nothing happens unless you press the "A" key. Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E = ... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem. Installing program to C:\Directory = ... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them. Please insert disk 11 = Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks. Not enough memory = I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K. Cannot read from drive D = . . . However, if you put the CD in right side up . . . Please Wait = Indefinitely. Directory does not exist = .... any more. Whoops! The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close. = Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. * * * * * * A truck driver frequently travelled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the centre, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
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