Airline Quips:
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As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs
are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of
this airplane.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments.

We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land, it's a bit cold outside, and if you
walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us,
some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead
bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is
equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave
the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to
autopilot too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest
of the flight.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight.

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City
--The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump
and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airlines' fault, it wasn't the pilots' fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'
fault, it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile,
and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of this bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had got off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you
a question?"  "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"  The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee:  "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 123, to
XYZ.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the
event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you
have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs.  If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one
you love more."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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