THE FIVE QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN:

 1.  What are you thinking about?
 2.  Do you love me?
 3.  Do I look fat?
 4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?
 5.  What would you do if I died?

 What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
 guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
 incorrectly (or tells the truth).

 Therefore as a public service each question is analysed below, along
 with possible responses.

 Question 1 - What are you thinking about?

 The proper answer to this is of course "I'm sorry, I was just
 reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent
 woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you".  This response
 however bears no resemblance to the real answer which is most likely
 to be one of the following:

 a)  Formula 1 racing
 b) Football
 c) How fat you are
 d) How much prettier she is than you
 e) How I would spend the insurance money if you died

 Perhaps the best response comes from Al Bundy, who once told Peg "If I
 wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

 Question 2 - Do you love me?

 The proper response is "YES!" or if you feel that you need a more
 detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear".  Inappropriate answers
 include:

 a) Oh yeah, shit loads
 b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
 c) That depends what you mean by love
 d) Does it matter?
 e) Who, me?

 Question 3 - Do I look fat?

 The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not", among the many
 incorrect answers are:

 a) Compared to what?
 b) I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin
 c) A little extra weight looks good on you
 d) I've seen fatter
 e) Could you repeat the question, I was just thinking about how I
 would spend the insurance money if you died

 Question 4 - Do you think she's prettier than me?

 Once again the proper answer is an emphatic "Of Course Not!!",
 incorrect answers include:

 a) Yes, but you have a better personality
 b) Not prettier, but definitely thinner
 c) Not as pretty as you were at her age
 d) Define pretty
 e) Could you repeat the question, I was just thinking about how I
 would spend the insurance money if you died.

 Question 5 - What would you do if I died?

 A definite no-win question, no matter how you answer this be prepared
 for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines:

 Woman: Would you get married again?
 Man: Definitely not
 Woman: Why not, don't you like being married?
 Man: Of course I do
 Woman: The why wouldn't you get married again?
 Man: OK, I'd get married again
 Woman: You would? (with a hurt look upon her face).  Would you sleep
 with her in our bed?
 Man: Where else would we sleep?
 Woman: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with ones of her!?
 Man: That would seem the proper thing to do
 Woman: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
 Man: She can't use them she's left handed
 Woman:*****SILENCE******
 Man: Shit!!!

Index