THE FIVE QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (or tells the truth). Therefore as a public service each question is analysed below, along with possible responses. Question 1 - What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this is of course "I'm sorry, I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you". This response however bears no resemblance to the real answer which is most likely to be one of the following: a) Formula 1 racing b) Football c) How fat you are d) How much prettier she is than you e) How I would spend the insurance money if you died Perhaps the best response comes from Al Bundy, who once told Peg "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!" Question 2 - Do you love me? The proper response is "YES!" or if you feel that you need a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear". Inappropriate answers include: a) Oh yeah, shit loads b) Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c) That depends what you mean by love d) Does it matter? e) Who, me? Question 3 - Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not", among the many incorrect answers are: a) Compared to what? b) I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin c) A little extra weight looks good on you d) I've seen fatter e) Could you repeat the question, I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died Question 4 - Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again the proper answer is an emphatic "Of Course Not!!", incorrect answers include: a) Yes, but you have a better personality b) Not prettier, but definitely thinner c) Not as pretty as you were at her age d) Define pretty e) Could you repeat the question, I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question 5 - What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question, no matter how you answer this be prepared for at least an hour of follow up questions, usually along these lines: Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not Woman: Why not, don't you like being married? Man: Of course I do Woman: The why wouldn't you get married again? Man: OK, I'd get married again Woman: You would? (with a hurt look upon her face). Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with ones of her!? Man: That would seem the proper thing to do Woman: Would you let her use my golf clubs? Man: She can't use them she's left handed Woman:*****SILENCE****** Man: Shit!!!
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