In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic 
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2008,  the
organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary  and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced  below: 
	   
	  
  OPENING CEREMONY 

 The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a 
native of the city (preferably from the Toxteth area) wearing the 
traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask.  It
will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated 
on the roof of the stadium. 

	    
 THE EVENTS 
	 
  In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been 
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of  the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local  athletes. 
	 
	 
  100 METRES SPRINT 
	  
 Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven 
(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police 
dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 
	 
  
  100 METRES HURDLES 
	  
 As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, 
gardens, fences walls etc.)

	   
  HAMMER 
	 
  Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they  wish
to use - claw, sledge etc. The winner will be the one who can  cause
the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public  within the time
allowed. 
	 
  
  FENCING 
	 
  Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and 
jewellery as possible in five minutes. 
	 
  
  SHOOTING 
	 
  A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. 
The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, 
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-
style wages deliveryman. 
	 
  
  BOXING 
	 
  Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, 
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 
pints of Tennents while the wife will be told not to make him any  tea
when he gets home. The bout will then commence. 
	 
  
  CYCLING TIME TRIALS 
	 
  Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed 
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's  boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against  the clock. 
	   

  CYCLING PURSUIT 
	 
  As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the 
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. 
	 
	  
  MODERN PENTATHLON 
 
  Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy 
riding and arson. 
	 
  
  SWIMMING 
	 
  Competitors will be thrown off the bridge on The Mersey. The first 
three survivors back, will decide the medals. 
	 
	  
  MENS 50KM WALK 
	 
  Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot 
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool. 
	 
	  
  THE CLOSING CEREMONY 
	 
  Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of 
the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, 
synchronised rock throwing and music by the Toxteth Boys Band. 
	 
	  
   The Olympic flame will then be extinguished by someone dropping 
an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of 
flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up  before
the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper  piping and
the central heating boiler.

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