ALCOHOL USERS TROUBLE SHOOTING GUIDE


SYMPTOM: Drinking gives no satisfaction or taste. Glass is unusually
pale and clear.
FAULT:   Glass is empty.
ACTION:  Find someone who will buy you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Your feet are cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass is empty.
ACTION:  Turn glass the other way up, so the open end is pointing at the
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Your feet are warm and wet.
FAULT:   Incorrect bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog. After a while, complain to dog's
owner about the lack of house training. Then, demand a pint as
compensation.

SYMPTOM: Bar is blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION:  Buy another pint.

SYMPTOM: Bar is swaying.
FAULT:   Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to dart game in
progress.
ACTION:  Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Bar is moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not,
complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army.

SYMPTOM: You notice the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles
and strip lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION:  If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, then stay put.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of broken teeth
and dog ends.
FAULT:   You have fallen over forwards.
ACTION:  Same as for falling backwards.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT:   The bar is closing.
ACTION:  Panic!

SYMPTOM: You wake up to find your bed cold, hard, and wet.
FAULT:   You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION:  Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat
yourself to a sleep in.

Index