ALCOHOL USERS TROUBLE SHOOTING GUIDE SYMPTOM: Drinking gives no satisfaction or taste. Glass is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass is empty. ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another pint. SYMPTOM: Your feet are cold and wet. FAULT: Glass is empty. ACTION: Turn glass the other way up, so the open end is pointing at the ceiling. SYMPTOM: Your feet are warm and wet. FAULT: Incorrect bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog. After a while, complain to dog's owner about the lack of house training. Then, demand a pint as compensation. SYMPTOM: Bar is blurred. FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. ACTION: Buy another pint. SYMPTOM: Bar is swaying. FAULT: Air turbulence is unusually high. May be due to dart game in progress. ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. SYMPTOM: Bar is moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you're being hijacked by the Salvation Army. SYMPTOM: You notice the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and strip lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backwards. ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, then stay put. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of broken teeth and dog ends. FAULT: You have fallen over forwards. ACTION: Same as for falling backwards. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark. FAULT: The bar is closing. ACTION: Panic! SYMPTOM: You wake up to find your bed cold, hard, and wet. FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. ACTION: Check your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself to a sleep in.
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