BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART:
SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM:Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM:Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION:See above.
SYMPTOM:Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her housetraining.
SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION:Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM:Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.