A Letter Of Apology From A Chap Who Was Fired After A Christmas Party Dear Friends: When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since several of you openly called me a dirtyson-of-a-bitch to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at our Christmas office party last Friday. The office manager called me today from the hospital, and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everybody personally, but you all seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you. First, to our dear and beloved boss, Mr. Simons, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I am very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of buying her for 50 cents in Tiajuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident...well, you'll never know how badly I feel about it and hope they didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off. To comely Miss Ashby, I express my deepest regrets, in my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed, it was one of the biggest thrills you've ever had. Sam Franklin, you old cuss, your've got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosy, I'd never have done it. It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories. Mr. Gray, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would be such bad sports about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot pressure, don't they? And the water is so cold! Also, ole' buddy I didn't say your wife had a wart, I only said it felt like one. Bill Thomas, I know how you must have felt about me. Opening the door to the mop closet suddenly must have startled you and Miss Barn quite badly. And when I think of how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants...it makes me sick. We'll have together for dinner some night after the dentist has finish your plates. Miss Brown, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you had passed out in the ladies restroom is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running you falsies out on the flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but like I said, I was a little drunk! To all the rest of you, I am sorry. Setting Mrs. Botts's lace panties on fire seemed a funny idea at the time and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Pissing in everyone's drink was in bad taste, but not telling you until you all drank it was even worse. Now that I've apologized to all and I know I am forgiven, I have a big surprise for you even though I don't work here anymore...I am going to do my darndest to get back for the office picnic next spring.
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