A Letter Of Apology From A Chap Who Was Fired
             After A Christmas Party

Dear Friends:

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a
sort of general feeling of unfriendliness and since
several of you openly called me a dirtyson-of-a-bitch
to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at
our Christmas office party last Friday.  The office
manager called me today from the hospital, and as this
is my last day, I'd like to take this way of
apologizing
to all of you.  I would prefer speaking to everybody
personally, but you all seem to go deaf and dumb
whenever I  try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, Mr. Simons, I am
sorry for all the things I called you Friday
afternoon.
I am very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore.  Your wife is a
delightful woman, and my story of buying her for 50
cents in Tiajuana was strictly a figment of my
imagination.  Your children are undoubtedly yours too.
  About the water cooler incident...well, you'll never
know how badly I feel about it and hope they didn't
hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug
off.

To comely Miss Ashby, I express my deepest regrets, in
my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to
enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I
did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to
the second floor landing.  In spite of the rupture you
incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you
will admit that when we landed, it was one of the biggest
thrills you've ever had.

Sam Franklin, you old cuss, your've got to forgive me
for that little prank I played on you. If I had known
you were goosy, I'd never have done it.  It could have
been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing
right under the window you jumped through.  She broke
your fall a lot.  People have been killed falling
three stories.

Mr. Gray, I regret telling the fireman it was you who
turned in the false alarm.  But, of course, I had no
way of knowing they would be such bad sports about it.
Those fire hoses sure have a lot pressure, don't they?
And the water is so cold!  Also, ole' buddy I didn't
say your wife had a wart, I only said it felt like
one.

Bill Thomas, I know how you must have felt about me.
Opening the door to the mop closet suddenly must have
startled you and Miss Barn quite badly.  And when I
think of how hard you bumped your chin on the sink
when you bent over to pull up your pants...it makes me
sick.  We'll have together for dinner some night after the
dentist has finish your plates.

Miss Brown, the only excuse I can offer for stealing
all of your clothes and hiding them when I found you
had passed out in the ladies restroom is that I was drunk.
Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I
couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go
home in that old sofa cover.  Running you falsies out
on the flagpole was a bit too much, I guess, but like
I said, I was a little drunk!

To all the rest of you, I am sorry.  Setting Mrs.
Botts's lace panties on fire seemed a funny idea at
the time and it makes me sad to hear that her husband
is divorcing her because of it.  Pissing in everyone's
drink was in bad taste, but not telling you until you
all drank it was even worse.

Now that I've apologized to all and I know I am
forgiven, I have a big surprise for you even though I
don't work here anymore...I am going to do my darndest
to get back for the office picnic next spring.

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