"ADVICE FOR TOURISTS"
 
  This wind-up article appeared recently in an
  American magazine. By some accounts it was
  taken seriously by a lot of people...
 
  MONEY
  The Brits have peculiar words for many things.
  Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so
  you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
  the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is
  the modern word for what was once called a
  "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents
  American.
 
  MAKING FRIENDS
  If you are fond of someone, you should tell him
  he is a "great tosser" - he will be touched. The
  English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative
  people, and if you want to fit in you should hold
  hands with your acquaintances and tossers
  when you walk down the street.
 
  CUSTOMS
  Since their Tory government wholeheartedly
  embraced full union with Europe, the Brits
  have been attempting to adopt certain
  continental customs, such as the large midday
  meal followed by a two or three hour siesta,
  which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly
  new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for
  people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not
  work there due to the magnetic pull from
  Greenwich).
  If you are late for supper, simply apologise and
  explain that you were having a wank -
  everyone will understand and forgive you.
 
  RELAXING
  One of the most delightful ways to spend an
  afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding
  gently down the river in one of their flat-
  bottomed boats, which you propel using a long
  pole. This is known as "cottaging". Many of the
  boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned
  by the colleges, but there are some places that
  rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a
  professor or policeman that you are interested
  in doing some cottaging and would like to
  know where the public yerinals are.
 
  The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
  protect them from the water, so it's a good idea
  to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you
  when you ask directions to the yerinals. That
  way people will know you are an experienced
  cottager.
 
  FOOD AND WINE
  British cuisine enjoys a well deserved
  reputation as the most sublime gastronomic
  pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's
  robust dollar,the American traveller can easily
  afford to dine out several times a week (rest
  assured that a British meal is worth
  interrupting your
  afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware
  that there are several grades of meat in the
  UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
  of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the
  British Stamp of Excellence (BSE).When you
  go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you
  want BSE beef and won't settle for anything
  less. If he balks at your request, custom
  dictates that you jerk your head imperiously
  back and forth while rolling your eyes to show
  him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you
  are a person of discriminating taste, he may
  offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of
  exquisite British wines. If he does not, you
  should order one anyway. The best wine
  grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of
  Yorkshire and East Anglia-try an Ely '84 or
  Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.
 
  When the bill for your meal comes it will show
  a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think
  is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in
  which case you should simply walk out; the
  restaurant host will understand that he should
  run a tab for you.
 
  TRANSPORTATION
  Public taxis are subsidized by the Her
  Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London
  costs two pounds, no matter how far you
  travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you,
  you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!",
  then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and
  have the driver disciplined.
 
  It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though,
  since bus drivers are required to make detours
  at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay
  your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-
  colored coins are "pence"), and state your
  destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please
  take me to the British Library." A driver will
  frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by
  pretending he doesn't go to your requested
  destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing
  the American tourist (little does he know you're
  not so ignorant!).For those travelling on a
  shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
  the most economical way to get about,
  especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive
  and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
  free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens
  from the baskets at the base of the escalators
  or on the platforms; you will find one near any
  of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once
  on the platform, though, beware!
  Approaching trains sometimes disturb the
  large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The
  Gappes were smuggled into London in the
  early 19th century by French saboteurs and
  have proved impossible to exterminate. The
  announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal
  that you should grab your hair and look
  towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever
  been killed by Gappes, though, and they are
  considered only a minor drawback to an
  otherwise excellent means of transportation.
 
  AIRPORTS
  One final note: for preferential treatment when
  you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that
  you are a member of Shin Fane (an
  international Jewish peace organization-the
  "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers
  know, this little white lie will assure you priority
  treatment as you make your way through
  customs.

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