THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS:

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
Universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT,
And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes
for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bearing
in mind that you are still SMART, you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.  You
can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck
full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win
all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You
will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now
the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because
nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of the wits
or money.  You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are
smart, you're rich and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress
the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room
cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight
you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs
because no one can
see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.



THE FIVE STAGES OF HANGOVER

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations
only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic
drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley/Baileys/[add tipple
most consumed night before]
You realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but
the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid
and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon
sandwich.

Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first
thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less
attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the
combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a
glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that you now
look like
you've shaved with a sanding block!  Unfortunately you are still too
stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to
remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.

Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money you got from the cashpoint to
last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you
have no idea what  happened to it but the smell of curry on your
coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire
rugby team to curry and lagers at some point, alternatively your pocket
will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a £20/£50
note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that
stupid and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe
that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to
loathe all humanity.

Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the
characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets,
Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you
think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.

Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause
from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete
your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends,
shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and
Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that
will make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide and
too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka Seltzer
and too fragile to hit them.

Index