Guy goes into the doctor's.
   "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
   "How's that?"
   "Don't you start"
  
  "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
   "Well you can't say fairer than that then."
  
  A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of
   tampax for 1 pound.
   She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager
   "Is this deal correct?"
   "Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."
  
  "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
  "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
   "It's not unusual."
  
   Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
   "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," said Dolly
   "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
  
   A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
   The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
  
   A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
   "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
   "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
   So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
   then checks his teeth.
   Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
   "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
   "No, because he's bloody heavy."
  
   Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
   "What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
   "Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt
   your head" replies the Doc.
   "How the bloody hell will that help?"
   "Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools it should come
   out a treat....."
  
   A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the
   ceiling.
   He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks,
   "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
   The guy asks "What's it all about?"
   The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of
   meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
   If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
   The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate............
   ........the steaks are too high!"
  
  A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
  promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
 "For
  you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
 
  Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an
  electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm
  positive...'
  
  Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs
  they run out of gear.
  One of the men stands up and says, 'Look, we've got loads more
  tobacco, I'll  just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
  Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a
  couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls
  them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners
  who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten
  minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him to hospital.
  On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his
  friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then? Cannabis?'
  'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I
  made a home-made spliff.'
  'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
  'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
  The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'
  'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.
  The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma.'

Index