IF AOL WERE A CITY...:
 
  1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
  females were HOT 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay 
  Dobermans in spandex!
 
  2. You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
  tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck!
 
  3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
  by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems
  for only $399.99!
 
  4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you 
  try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your
  yard!
 
  5. 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
  special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com!
 
  6. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
  form letter saying how you "really important you are to us!"
 
  7. The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his
  slack-ass company somewhere else!
 
  8. Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, 
  and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue!
 
  9. Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you violently
  screaming, "M/F??!!", "AGE/SEX?!?!"
 
  10. Those that didn't do the above would call you and say, "Hi, I'm Joe
  Haxor from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
  records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we 
  will be forced to evict you and your family!"
 
  11. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
  bouncer screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!"
 
  12. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
  plate and laugh behind your back!
 
  13. Your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of
  the town security expert!
 
  14. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
  telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
  it's really the Earth's fault!
 
  15. You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
  they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms!
 
  16. You wouldn't have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
  arrivals would move in late at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
  and vacate before sunrise!
 
  17. Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU
  DO WANT A GODDA*N AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?"
 
  You reply, "HELL NO!"
 
  The voice then replies, "OKAY, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW!"
 

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