IF AOL WERE A CITY...: 1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all females were HOT 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex! 2. You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck! 3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99! 4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard! 5. 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com! 6. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really important you are to us!" 7. The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else! 8. Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue! 9. Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you violently screaming, "M/F??!!", "AGE/SEX?!?!" 10. Those that didn't do the above would call you and say, "Hi, I'm Joe Haxor from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family!" 11. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!" 12. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license plate and laugh behind your back! 13. Your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert! 14. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's fault! 15. You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms! 16. You wouldn't have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in late at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunrise! 17. Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDA*N AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" You reply, "HELL NO!" The voice then replies, "OKAY, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW!"
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