A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humour." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
******************************************** A couple were having it away in the back of his passion wagon van. At the height of the thrashing around the woman screams out: "Whip me, for God's sake whip me!" Not wanting to disappoint, the man frantically peers round his van for something to use. Unfortunately there's nothing suitable there, but being the resourceful type he leaps out the back of the van, snaps off his aerial and proceeds to satisfy her fantasy by giving her a damn good thrashing. The following day the whip marks on her body begin to show and by the end of the week they're much worse and are starting to get infectious. Reluctantly she decides to get her GP to take a look. After examining her he says, "Hmmm, were these caused by sexual activity?" She is extremely embarrassed and confirms his suspicion and says, "But how did you know they were caused by sex?". "Well", says the doctor, "this is one of the worst cases of 'van aerial' infection I've ever come across".
************************************* A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you have to help me, I've got a lettuce growing out of my arse." The doctor says, "Are you sure, that's not very likely." So the man drops his trousers, bends over and sure enough, a lettuce is growing out of his arse. "Bloody hell!" says the doctor, "how did you get that?" The man replies, "Oh, that's just the tip of the Iceberg"
************************************ ADAM & EVE **Part One: The Creation of Man** One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God: "Lord, I have a problem!" God replies: "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." **Part Two: The Creation of Woman** One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God: "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, and your left testicle" Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Er, what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history.
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